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nothingtosay

Wednesday, March 9, 2005

4:19AM - lonely but happy

should not be up right now...should not be up right now.... oh well. tonight was amazing. this past week overall, has been amazing.. i've learned a lot of shit about myself. for example, that i rely on others way too much for a false sense of security. as or recent, i have understood that i am worth more than that. i don't need another to define me; to provide me with a false sense of identity. you cannot force others to love who you are even when convinced that you could be good for them. and so, i am left with nothing but a complete sense of satisfaction in knowing that i am okay being alone. well, not completely alone...i am fortunate to have a few that i call my "true" friends! and thank god for them. because, realistically, who wants to feel completely alone?

Sunday, February 20, 2005

10:00PM - fucking horoscope

my fucking horoscope according to marie claire.....is it pretty accurate?

Your Best Stress-Busters for 2005
You're embarking on a major change. As usual, during the first stages of any transformation, you're apt to fret and agonize. You may think you need more backbone, but what you really need is less perfectionism. You waste precious time trying to be "numero uno" in every area of your life. Resign from the job of being your own worst critic and pat yourself on the back once in a while (or have a masseuse do it!). If financial woes are on your mind, good news: The planet of luck is in your Money House!

Love & Sex in 2005
This year will give you a chance to start fresh. Say yes to a complex relationship and see where it leads, then be brave enough to unveil your real erotic identity.

Career & Money in 2005
A new career journey or monetary arrangement awaits. Luck will abound when you link up with a thriving, robust group. Rely on your exceptional taste and ability to captivate others.

February: Trust yourself to handle a love affair. As you wisely leave your shell of self-protection, you'll grow more adventurous.

9:54PM - veganism

i want to be vegan, i do, i do. and i will....eventually. i've tried to be more aware of what's in the food i eat, and gradually, i've limited my dairy intake. then, found this on peta.com. helpful of course. jen calculated the income i'll be getting with this new job then asked what the fuck i'll end up doing with my acquired money. i'll be able to go vegan!


Ice Cream: Try frozen desserts like Tofutti, Soy Delicious, fruit sorbets, and ices. You’ll never want to go back to the cholesterol and fat of ice cream.

Milk: Try chocolate, vanilla, and plain soy milk, rice milk, and almond milk. Excellent for cooking, on cereal, in coffee and hot chocolate—use them any way you’d use milk. Available in lowfat varieties, too.

Hamburger: There are a wide variety of vegetarian hamburgers. For “hamburger meat” as an ingredient, substitute crumbled veggie burgers in recipes for chili, “meat loaf,” and tacos.

Cheese: Check health food stores for soy cheese, which is great on pizza and sandwiches, as well as in sauces. You can also make a great creamy “cheese” sauce using nutritional yeast flakes.

Eggs: Use commercial egg replacers (made mainly from potato starch) in baked goods. For breakfast, scramble tofu with onions, mushrooms, mustard, turmeric, and soy sauce.

Jello: Look for agar-agar (made without boiling cows’ hooves and pigs’ skin), or try Hain’s Super Fruits, a vegan gelatin that comes in four fruit flavors.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

1:56AM - transparency



if someone had just said: "kim, i suggest taking the socks off....they're a little trasparent." i definitely would have done it. too bad these socks suck. too bad i'm reflecting on all the times i thought i looked so hot in them. and now i have a picture to prove to myself that these weren't the universal socks i'd hoped they were. time to retire the socks.

Monday, July 26, 2004

7:09PM - friendly gestures-fuck'em

someone please tell me how in THE HELL can you get close to someone when they've made up their mind to watch out for number one? maybe there's a way. maybe i really just have no clue. but lately, i feel like all my friends (not all), but those friends i haven't heard from in some time....are always pointing the finger. and another thing about those friends; they don't know how to pick up the fucking phone and call you. god, i moved away. i work nights. i appreciate the amount of time you did give me to figure shit out...."the space," but seriously....i'm ready for that friendship. i wish i could do something phenomenal enough to get you to want to call me. and this has nothing to do with joel. well, the one way it does involve him, is that him being around my friends so much has complicated things. this one house is like the meeting house. it's a target point. you go there, you can find most everyone; including joel. and we're taking time apart. so, how in the fuck am i supposed to know when i can stop by? how in the fuck am i supposed to know whether or not anyone's jamming? i swear to god that i would be stopping by if it weren't for the fact that joel and i aren't really seeing much of each other right now and it's better that way. i just want someone to meet me halfway. i want someone to step up and have the balls to call me and tell me what's going on. so, tonight i called a couple of them. and tonight, it's still up in the air. tonight, i'm waiting for them to call me back and tell me where to go. 'cause i'll drive that far just to chill. it's not a big deal, until i start feeling like the effort is one-sided. then it just sucks. and then, i hear the same thing from all of you....that you're the only ones who give a shit. you're the only ones with the dedication. you're the only ones playing music. correction...i'm driving to fucking salt lake lately to play music because someone out there keeps in touch and wants to play music. i guess it's going to have to be the way it's always been. i'm going to have to keep calling. i'm gonna have to feel like i'm annoying the shit out of you by calling all the time to see whether or not there's a jam going down. i'm gonna have to just drive by and leave notes or something. god, it feels so ridiculous. i just want to jam. there should not be so much of this bitching involved. everyone has a bitch right now. and it's all going to come out and it's going to be a huge come to jesus talk. and i just hope it happens tonight so we can all get this shit over with. and if this involves another "break-up," i think i'll be hitting rock bottom again. but so be it. bring it on.

Current mood: pissed off

Sunday, July 25, 2004

6:27PM - sundays

sundays have always been strange days to me. they always feel so long....and drawn out. but good. i finally read the posts everyone put on my last entry. it really made me feel like i had moral support and i appreciate that more than anything. it really has been one of the toughest months i've had in a long time...but like joey and i were discussing last night in drunken thought, it's a cycle of life. i think if you don't experience that cycle of
FIRST STAGE--things are so fucking fabulous and i can't believe i was ever depressed in life! there's so much shit to be happy for. i'll never be bummed again!
SECOND STAGE--i wish i felt like i did awhile ago, kinda bored with life...shit i hope the downhill slope isn't coming. dammit, i'll just fight it. music, ah; music.
THIRD STAGE--great, i'm feeling blah again. i have a million people around me yet feel so lonely and this sucks ass and blah blah etc. ::bitches, moans::
AND THEN, AFTER WHO KNOWS HOW LONG....IT GETS BETTER! SHIT IS BETTER THAN YOU REMEMBER IT HAD BEEN BEFORE YOU GOT DOWN. AGAIN! AND YOU THOUGHT THIS TIME THAT WOULDN'T BE POSSIBLE!

my dog died and that was definitely the worst thing that could've happened. i found out last wednesday and fell completely apart and the week was shit for awhile-i will always miss penny. now for some positive posting.....

last night was amazing. jentle and i drove to slc after i got off work and went to a PARTY at joey's. loved it. there were some rad people there and we got completely fucked up and joey and i listened to god speed ye black emperor again and i passed out listening to some amazing music after some great conversation. jen was all cute and cuddly last night! the night before, endseptember was over w/jentle and we all smoked and went for a midnight/1 a.m. whatever-the-fuck walk. before that i'd been to atchie's.......HAHA with ma band (some of the outset crew) and their girls and taryn and fidel. loved it! i even got a free long island out of the night. see? now, there's something positive. and there was another great night at joey's involving breakdancing, drinking, hanging out listening to music, jen stripping, being up 'til 6 a.m. so, the nights are fabulous. the days, i get fucking stirry. but the pool's nice! and there's a show saturday, and that's the great part about what i've been doing lately in life. i have friends and people i love to be around and i'm challenged socially every day.

Current mood: calm

Monday, July 19, 2004

9:50PM - huge 180

i seriously am only using this to vent, because i've been such a pessimist lately, i have no desire to tell any specific person, to their face, of my bitches. if someone happens to read it, know it as such. my life has changed so much in the past month that i feel too near to a nervous breakdown. i'm getting divorced...granted we're still seeing each other, but it doesn't make things easy. i stress out daily when i see him. i stress out daily when i don't see him. i'm having such a hard time (just made a call in fact to a connection to possibly hook up with zoloft). i just feel like i'm going further than i can go. i feel like after the decision was made for a divorce, everyone started finding out. i had no time to keep things to myself. i made that decision. i let people know. but then, my head was way more clear than it is now. i knew that i had to move forward and that i needed to be strong and just go on with life by moving out....
i moved out. went to jen and she said she might have a room so now i'm living with friends. i love that. i love that i have my own room. i love that we have a balcony we can smoke on. that i can stock the fridge with beer if i want. but i have fucking $10 to last me until i start making money on thursday....at my new job.
my new job. it's stressing me out so much! every fucking day that i go into it, i come home with new shit to memorize. new instructions that are just pushing me as a person right now. i have no room to be introvert at this job. no room for sulking. i have to be happy, know my shit (cram my head with all of it), be completely confident and professional. i feel furthest from confident right now. smiling is a bitch. how lame am i right now?
the one thing i swear would give me companionship right now is my dog. and this is the hardest thing for me to talk about without crying. we had to give her away yesterday. it makes me so incredibly sad. i hate to think about it, but honestly, being with penny right now would make me feel so much better. i feel so horrible for having to let her go.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

2:50PM - dadada

thought i'd update while waiting for jentle to get ready for the day. we're practicing in an hour or so and we're gonna work on some new shit! hell yeah! just a drummer and a guitarist. we actually work well that way. we are planning on jamming with a bassist this week. and hopefully a vocalist within the week? but until then, no harm in writing new songs. can't wait 'til we're a full band tho. outset's cd release is saturday and i'm fucking stoked to play. we practiced for 4 hours the other night and i got to use a wireless and i will at the show which means i gotta go off. which means some intoxicating beverages. which means, no work on sunday. i wanna buy donnie darko today. i wanna buy some whisky. i wanna get shirt unlike the one i'm wearing...or like it, but more flattering. and new boobs? HA!

Current mood: silly

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

11:23AM - whaddoiknow

wierd fucking week last week. i've been in a mood. don't know what's been wrong with me but i DON'T like it at all! i've just been emotionally stupid! no need for all the excess but i've let it into my life and i must quit that shit. practiced lots last week and that's always good. in all honesty, music is the ONLY thing that makes me feel better after a shitty day. i can feel like an asshole of a person, like i'm going nowhere in life and then play some good music and forget about everything else for the duration of the song. last night cartel practiced at jordan's and it was so freakin' cute how their little girl would just stare at us while we played. she was so mesmorized by the violin and she'd respond to different parts of the music. could be all the music they exposed her to even before she was born. crazy for a six-month old.

misty's too busy to be in the band. we talked to her about it and i'm really glad we'll still all end up hanging out but it fucking sux that she can't sing for us yet. maybe some day and until then, we need a new singer real bad. i'm way into the songs every time we play them. and we are getting tighter. oooh, yeah. tighter. speaking of tighter...sex party tonight at haley's hizouse. it'll be way fun.

got real druzunk at jordan and ryssa's saturday? no, yeah. saturday. ryssa kissed me on the cheek. how cute. and i saw mary and it was fabulous...she may be able to get me a job at the marriott resturaunt in provo. i woke up this morning after dreaming that all these employers had called my answering machine with job offers and these jobs would've made me some MONEY! it was a fucking dream and i realized i must get looking. i have HUGE plans on my day off today to bleach out my hair and check on jobs. and thursday cartel's playing at a (BOOM CHA BOOM CHA) paul mitchell fashion show. heyell yeah!

Monday, April 5, 2004

5:55PM - twoday

finally! back online. i haven't really cared to go online for some reason since i got back from california. don't know why. my computer IS a piece of shit and that provides the lameness of my online experience. the other day, jen and i practiced at ozz's house and it was a good practice. it's so nice of him...he let us set up all our shit there, play our music, and he bought us lunch in HIS house and then them jammed w/us and bones sang these great vocals. i couldn't stop smiling. i was laughing my ass off. i've missed playing drums. i wish i could play in my house....BULLSHIT. SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT! don't my neighbors have passion for anything they wouldn't want taken away? like if i told them they couldn't pray with the windows open or something because it annoyed me to see them/hear them pray. not that it would. it's just something i wish they'd think about. because when it really comes down to it, i don't think they approve of the idea of loud music. bleh. whatever. not gonna go off on this again.

i have to go to a viewing tonight. i don't have to. my friend's sister had a baby a week ago and it died this weekend and she invited me to go. it's going to be such a crazy hour. walking in is going to be crazy. i might cry. i might not. i might feel bad if i don't but i really think it's going to hit me pretty hard. i've never been to a child's funeral or viewing. i brought it up to a lady i work with today and evidentally, she lost a child at two months. i really can't imagine. i can't imagine being a parent let alone being a parent that's lost a child. this is not a happy topic.

i think i'm gonna go. gotta get ready for the night. i am excited to hang with jen tomarrow on her b-day! happy fucking birthday jen! you better have a good one! for those who have not yet watched the family guy, watch it. it'll make you smile. sometimes, i realize how pointless my entries are :/ that sux

Current mood: blank

Friday, March 19, 2004

4:25PM - practice

having girly band practice as i type! yeah! obviously i'm not playing drums, we're working out vocals. it'll be so fucking sweet when we start playing shows. last night was 80s night and kicked some major booty. me, jen, misty, jason, and allen. i think i need to pause on the update. show tonight with cartel. another crazy night i hope. back to practice. :)

Current mood: giddy

Monday, March 15, 2004

7:31PM - wool sux

i wish my walls were teal. i'm in a blah mood and that would help snap me out of it. oh well. hanging out with ben and nicole this weekend was the shit! we were up soooo late tho. we walked their dogs around salt lake at 3 a.m. or so and it was great! joel got sick, ben got sick, i drank enough water to barely squeak by w/out getting sick.
i am at a loss of words. still stoked for the road trip. really fucking pissed off about the fact that i can't play my drums in my own house!!!! fucking stubborn ass neighbors. the sherriff and a city council guy actually thought it'd be worth their time to waste joel's time by coming over the day AFTER our band practice and bitch and warn us about the complaints people have been making. we practice MAYBE twice a week for MAYBE two hours and finish by 7:30 p.m. at the LATEST! i'm so very upset about the whole thing. i'm gonna start taking drum lessons from rob and how in the hell am i supposed to come home and really apply what he's just taught me after a lesson? people trying to stop me from bettering myself. seriously, is my practicing music really affecting them in such a negative way? only because they're turning into ugly people in my mind by trying to take away my freedom and my passion! i honestly think these people will never understand. but this time around i may just try and make them. tonight i just wanted to come home and bang the shit out of my drums and piss them all off. but i honestly think the cops would show up with handcuffs. when it was joel recording bands out of our house, months ago-and in the middle of the afternoon, they warned him that next time that's what they'd do...handcuff him. wow. nothing going on out here. nothing better to do then worry about what the musicians are up to. it really honestly blows my mind. guess i'm gonna have to go door to door and confront some people. people who didn't have the balls to do it to me.
more later...i'm going across the street to hang out with my COOL neighbors :)

Current mood: bitchy

Thursday, March 11, 2004

2:54PM - i'm back

woah, i made it back. can't believe it. band practice today with HEY INSATIABLE. or BOUNCING BETTIES. or TITTY TWISTERS. no! that's not a real option. we're trying to reach our insane goal of getting a 3-song demo done by the 24th. can we do it? we can do it! i sure as hell hope we can. i need to get my ass in gear and, i dunno....practice my friggin' instrument. i'm THE slacker! what else do i NEED to do? soooooo much. get a new job. make lots of money! the california trip is coming up and i'm going! i have the time off and i've told johnny and candace that we're coming and i just have to be there and soak up the sun and go to fashion district and relax and party and love every minute of it! and it'll be nice to spend time with the band. we really haven't all three hung out other than at 80s nights which is usually limited hang time. so it'll be such fun!

i think thursdays are my favorite days. love the shows on at night. love the pre-weekend giddy feelings. love that it's 80s night at area 51...tho we're probably not gonna make it tonight. :( i have to work at 7 a.m. tomarrow. damn the man!

Current mood: artistic

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

1:01AM - don't know why

i don't know why i even write in this silly thing....'cause i'm drunk! ha ha! uh, so tonight had a rude awakening from my friend...she was drunk too. kinda put ME out on the table. all true; unfortunately. i hate my shortcomings. i'm so fucked up sometimes and to hear someone else say why i'm a little fucked in the head and let me know what i can do to make life easier for myself--geez, i wish it were that easy. but i guess it is huh? just gotta make the official decision. i don't care what people think. i'm gonna give myself a break. im going to let that punctuation mistake go. i'm gonna have a good time. i'm going to accept the fact that i'm not a supermodel. i'm going to be proud of what i do have. my legs, my hair, not exactly as i wish them to be but oh fucking well. hmmmm, that's fucking hard for me to do. shit, i guess i still have a lot to learn. but life isn't really that long. i don't really have all the time in the world to waste doing nothing because i'm too afraid to really do anything. maybe i'm afraid of being watched. i'm so willing to spill all my guts and at the same time so scared to really let myself out there. wow. don't know what to do. what do you do when your instincts begin to fade away and you don't even know if your natural instincts are really that--natural. shit, i need to get some sleep. :)

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

8:01PM - faux-hawk hell

THIS WILL SAVE ME SOME TIME.....AN EMAIL I SENT TO JOHNNY TONIGHT WHEN I GOT HOME EARLY FROM MY JOB:

fuck! i was so in, wait, no! i was at venice beach on sunday! phew! i was gonna say! i was getting all riled up thinking we were in the same place at the same time and still missed each other.
yeah, that sounds like a fantastic weekend. would've been so great! you have to save another great weekend for us. ha ha. (like all your weekends aren't great-you live in southern cal) so glad you wrote....i had a shitty day. i'm supposed to be working right now-i'm working at denny's in american fork (isn't that hillarious!?) but my fucking manager (or rather the store owner) bitched about my hair. i have this kind-of faux hawk and he didn't think i should be wearing my hair like that to work. fuck that shit. i work my ass off harder than most people there. oh, and my von zipper belt-it isn't black, it's white and i guess company policy is black belt. so, he told my managers....he didn't even have the balls to talk to me himself. what an idiot.
i really don't give two shits about what he thinks about my hair. it's just that he sucks and i work so hard there and he doesn't know me! and he's a cheap skate-skimps out on people's pay checks!!!!! so, the other managers asked me if i could go into the restroom and tame my hair down! no, i can't just tame it down! it takes so much product to do this, that would look even worse to splash water on it and flatten it. aaaah! so frustrated! and mostly 'cause i started crying like a fucking baby! i'm emotional and i couldn't help it. david the cook asked me what was going on and i just started crying. we speak spanish to each other at work and he hooks me up with food and i love working with him and he felt so bad it just made me cry. this guy trevor had to drive my ass all the way to eagle mountain 'cause i had no car there. talked to my manager that i like, she told me i didn't have to come back. great for me! i don't want to go back tonight! k, it is company policy i guess to not wear my hair like that? though i doubt there's a phrase that states NO FAUX-HAWKS AT DENNY'S! well, maybe now they'll put it in. and the irony of it all? i get compliments from customers all the fucking time about my hair. in the bathroom tonight some american fork lady complimented my hair! grrrrr! it's a great conversation-starter with my customers....they always bring it up and now that's over. and my vz belt too. now HOW am i gonna make tips? ha ha guess i'll have to shake my ass a little more? no! fuck that too. i already get called "sweetie" and "doll" from old and hickish looking men. blah! i could scream right now. can you tell?!
i'm sorry this is so long! i just vented like no other!! don't hate me! i hope you made it through the email just 'cause i'd like to hear from you again! i wouldn't have written so much it's just that i miss you and would've said all this to you if you were here in person and i know you'd understand. i wanna go back to calif. even more now. people aren't so anal there about physical appearance. love ya,
kim

END OF EMAIL

Current mood: weird

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

11:42PM - bleh friends bleh

my pants don't fit the way they used to. too bad. tonight was a wierd night and my mind once again got carried away with me and convinced me that it's harder than i think to hold on to true friends. convinced me over and over again that i've a dull face, that i've a dull look. it was definitely in my best interest tonight to just sit back and think about stuff, listen to people talk. listen to people talk without first thinking. i caught people in lies (i think?) and caught on to that tone people get in their voice when they're REAL bored. or just REAL ready to say goodnight and leave. i caught some stupid thoughts right before they flew out of my mouth which was, of course, a good thing. i'm just not sure how i feel about friendship lately. this whole trip to southern california was SO good. i really had a great time and learned a lot about what i need out of relationships. got a taste of generosity that weekend. a HUGE taste of it....total selflessness from the friends we stayed with, and it just made me think of stuff at home. my daily routines in utah and all the friends i have out here. all the friends i think i have. the people i can really rely on, the ones i can really talk to without second-guessing a damn thing on my mind. and tonight just seemed to tie in with all this. all this thought about who my friends are. how they make me feel. i mean, i think that's the real way of knowing. i mean, shit if hanging out with a friend means i'm emotionally worn afterward, i won't be jumping at the chance to do that any time soon. and so much more. guilt trips from friends, bleh, bleh. who needs that shit? and yeah! i'm interested in what's going on in your life, but every time i try to tell you something about mine....why don't you give a damn? why do you move the conversation forward? because you're not into what i'm talking about? that's why i LIMIT my "boring" time to no more that 2 minutes. so you have a chance to talk about something you're into. but then you go on and on and forget that i'm there for anything other than to hear your woes. to hear your plans. and it wouldn't be so bad if you'd just see me as a person with plans. a person with a future that entails more than just hearing everyone else out. and we don't even have to talk serious! shit, just sit with me! enjoy having me around!
i'm not that great of a friend and i've realized this weekend that i really want to be. i really want to please people. but i also just want to have fun! curtains, stamps, scrapbooking....NOT NOT fun for me! sorry, but i'm just not ready for all that. hmm I want to play music with my band, go dancing with jen, go on a roadtrip with joel, hell ANYONE. i'm really not knowing how to describe what's on my mind. k, i don't feel good enough for some friends. don't fit into the club. my unpredictability means i'm more expendable. uh, does that make sense? oh well, this feels hopeless tonight. i'm getting too tired to think straight. boy do i want to erase this entry. so nonsensical. but that'd be cheating.

Current mood: contemplative

Saturday, August 2, 2003

4:23PM - NOW, THIS ONE SUX

I worked the crazy ass grave shift at denny's last night! woo! i was runnin'. i was fucking up orders. i was making some people happy though? yeah, it was definitely a crazy night. some friends came in....lane, chris, danny, and some girl. annabelle and amber. travis and some girl. travis tipped me $7! what was he thinking? the words "what the fuck" escaped my lips as i discovered the tip on the table. and the fact that he was soo damn smiley at 5 in the morning. that was very cool. anyway, the hip hop happenin' denny's (ha) didn't calm down 'til almost 5:00 a.m. at that point, i could finally start cleaning up and vacuuming. and this is interesting why? oh yeah. it isn't.

i miss jen. i feel bad 'cause i want to hang with her but i think she's working today? i dunno. i've gotta hang with her this week though. before i go to california and all. jake got a bunch of free passes to area so maybe this week a bunch of us will go....and get joel REAL goood and drunk so he'll come with. i think i'm craving some intimate conversation. i think i need some depth in my life. i should read a war book, or about someone who made a real difference in their life. uh, i should just read.

i want to keep the neighbor's kitty. they're planning on taking it to the humane society and i feel shitty about that whole ordeal. tried to talk joel into keeping it and when he said no, i cried. it's just too great of a kitten. snuggles. licks me. sleeps on me. oh man, i have to find a home for the little one :( i was half tempted to just keep it in my bathroom and hide it from joel. don't think i'd be able to get away with it. dammit. it's put me in a bad mood. so, i'm trying to stay upbeat. kinda feel like my life is nearing the lame zone. i just don't do shit during the day. though i did play drums today and it was so great. far from obvious has a show tonight with the "new outfit." gotta work tonight, so looks like i cannot attend. i'll have to hear by word of mouth how it went. i know who their new drummer is though. she's a "cope." that means she's amazing! she's jake's sister and HE is just the shit drummer. as i hear it, their whole family's got "the gift." i want "the gift." i should work harder for it. hee.



you haven't even touched on the
offerings of this world
you don't have to be any central
focus
just focus on something other than
YOURSELF!
you claim to have tried this?
no, no.
cannot be or you would not be where you are.
see all the you's, the YOU'S in this shit?
-stop it-
think of something else.
wedge yourself out of this.
okay....poverty, pestilence, violence, miracles, babies,
mathematics, science, astronomy, mythology, music, poetry, music,
poetry, music, poetry....drinking, smoking, are those two getting in the way?
friendships, the day i cried, the day i was mocked, the time i kissed someone,
the fantasies, the secrets
THE HELL THAT OTHERS LIVE
prisoners, murderers, victims of murder, the brainwashed, the rich, the poor
the selfish, the ignorant, UTAH.
back to my own world. guess it always comes back around
to me.
my hair, my legs, the food that kills me.
the days i waste away.

Current mood: amused

Friday, August 1, 2003

1:40PM - hatred for self

okay, so i don't TOTALLY hate myself. i've just had such a blah week. went out and all, but tripped myself out half the time. too many expectations for a good time maybe? lack of prozac in my system maybe? nah. went to burt's tiki lounge the othah night. it was actually fun....bartender was nice and i asked him how he liked his job, how he got it....just walked into it. no "bartending school" or anything. was relieved to hear. wanna bartend. love the thought of talking with drunk people all night! even though i kinda feel like i'm getting some of that working the grave shift at denny's :) but denny's is just not the right atmosphere.....a bar would be much better! so, after the show we went to lance's chic apartment. love the place....it's so comfortable. made me feel superficial just for owning the house we own. i like our house and all it just lacks so much. this is not an inspirational house that we keep. the red wall's cool, but you don't walk into our home and think about how good life is. UNLESS of course all our favorite people are in it. we know the best people in Utah, so put them all in a room, and you're guaranteed an enticing night. anyway, lance's house. (my rambling mind) it was just so nice. easy to relax, it was a good time. then the drive home; don't really like to think much about it. when i drink i go off. words fly outta my mouth so fast! i ,of course, woke up the morning after feeling like a dumbass. annabelle got an earful of my rambling half-thoughts.
there's lots on my mind, just hesitant to write it all out for anyone to see. i did have a wierd dream last night though about joel having sex with some chick that i work with. ha ha. yeah, it sucked. but mostly because in my dream was considering staying with him? hmmmm. it was just a strange dream. joel's been so great lately. i, on the other hand, seem to be distancing myself. i do this sometimes. just pull away a little. why? don't know. just lots of stuff on my mind. so i make it all introspective. guess i miss this live journal stuff!!

Current mood: annoyed

Friday, April 4, 2003

7:03PM

joel's the shit. came to our show last night and he's just supportive. i love him so much. i suck. i really am not a real drummer. i just try to teach myself what i can. last night was tough. after playing i felt like a dumbass....just 'cause i wasn't anywhere near flawless and 'cause the band after us had a drummer that blew my mind. ok, so i've not been playing long at all. that gives me an allowance for sure. anyway, it did help me....i think. i came home from work today and practiced for a bit. there's all these excercises in modern drummer that i wanna try out until i "get" them. so, that's that. humbling experience. i have a lot of work to put into this. also, so wierd being "the drummer" in a band. all the rumors are true about being "the drummer." hee hee

Current mood: loved

Saturday, March 8, 2003

8:10PM - me

on with the painting.....
get your creative mind to work....cover up all the bullshit
the hesitance, the uncertainty and get on with it;
put on your fake persona, your sacrificial nature and please the masses.

i think i'm a whore of the world. i take it all, breathe it in, love the smell, love the taste and don't know shit. don't know shit about my neighboring countries. i get all sorts of pissed off and don't really know a piece of it.

look at my fucking house and my dog and my world of social people and then ask me about my perscription. ask me if it helps me keep my sanity and i'll tell you the fucking truth. my pills are a necessity i think. i've tried to put them aside. i'm not addicted. i'm just psycho bitch without them. then take me seriously. believe me when i say i'm pissed off about the war shit and the nonsensical strife for power and money.

am i a fake? i try to be honest about my shit. but then ask me if i'm a coward and i'll tell you i still can't tell my own parents a real fucking thing about me. and the sickening part of it all? i'm happy. i like my life as it is for the moment. i know it'll get better. i know i have music blaring in my ears. without it i'd be truly dishonest.

Current mood: no words

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