kimmerz (burlyk) wrote,

huge 180

i seriously am only using this to vent, because i've been such a pessimist lately, i have no desire to tell any specific person, to their face, of my bitches. if someone happens to read it, know it as such. my life has changed so much in the past month that i feel too near to a nervous breakdown. i'm getting divorced...granted we're still seeing each other, but it doesn't make things easy. i stress out daily when i see him. i stress out daily when i don't see him. i'm having such a hard time (just made a call in fact to a connection to possibly hook up with zoloft). i just feel like i'm going further than i can go. i feel like after the decision was made for a divorce, everyone started finding out. i had no time to keep things to myself. i made that decision. i let people know. but then, my head was way more clear than it is now. i knew that i had to move forward and that i needed to be strong and just go on with life by moving out....
i moved out. went to jen and she said she might have a room so now i'm living with friends. i love that. i love that i have my own room. i love that we have a balcony we can smoke on. that i can stock the fridge with beer if i want. but i have fucking $10 to last me until i start making money on my new job.
my new job. it's stressing me out so much! every fucking day that i go into it, i come home with new shit to memorize. new instructions that are just pushing me as a person right now. i have no room to be introvert at this job. no room for sulking. i have to be happy, know my shit (cram my head with all of it), be completely confident and professional. i feel furthest from confident right now. smiling is a bitch. how lame am i right now?
the one thing i swear would give me companionship right now is my dog. and this is the hardest thing for me to talk about without crying. we had to give her away yesterday. it makes me so incredibly sad. i hate to think about it, but honestly, being with penny right now would make me feel so much better. i feel so horrible for having to let her go.
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