someone please tell me how in THE HELL can you get close to someone when they've made up their mind to watch out for number one? maybe there's a way. maybe i really just have no clue. but lately, i feel like all my friends (not all), but those friends i haven't heard from in some time....are always pointing the finger. and another thing about those friends; they don't know how to pick up the fucking phone and call you. god, i moved away. i work nights. i appreciate the amount of time you did give me to figure shit out...."the space," but seriously....i'm ready for that friendship. i wish i could do something phenomenal enough to get you to want to call me. and this has nothing to do with joel. well, the one way it does involve him, is that him being around my friends so much has complicated things. this one house is like the meeting house. it's a target point. you go there, you can find most everyone; including joel. and we're taking time apart. so, how in the fuck am i supposed to know when i can stop by? how in the fuck am i supposed to know whether or not anyone's jamming? i swear to god that i would be stopping by if it weren't for the fact that joel and i aren't really seeing much of each other right now and it's better that way. i just want someone to meet me halfway. i want someone to step up and have the balls to call me and tell me what's going on. so, tonight i called a couple of them. and tonight, it's still up in the air. tonight, i'm waiting for them to call me back and tell me where to go. 'cause i'll drive that far just to chill. it's not a big deal, until i start feeling like the effort is one-sided. then it just sucks. and then, i hear the same thing from all of you....that you're the only ones who give a shit. you're the only ones with the dedication. you're the only ones playing music. correction...i'm driving to fucking salt lake lately to play music because someone out there keeps in touch and wants to play music. i guess it's going to have to be the way it's always been. i'm going to have to keep calling. i'm gonna have to feel like i'm annoying the shit out of you by calling all the time to see whether or not there's a jam going down. i'm gonna have to just drive by and leave notes or something. god, it feels so ridiculous. i just want to jam. there should not be so much of this bitching involved. everyone has a bitch right now. and it's all going to come out and it's going to be a huge come to jesus talk. and i just hope it happens tonight so we can all get this shit over with. and if this involves another "break-up," i think i'll be hitting rock bottom again. but so be it. bring it on.