my pants don't fit the way they used to. too bad. tonight was a wierd night and my mind once again got carried away with me and convinced me that it's harder than i think to hold on to true friends. convinced me over and over again that i've a dull face, that i've a dull look. it was definitely in my best interest tonight to just sit back and think about stuff, listen to people talk. listen to people talk without first thinking. i caught people in lies (i think?) and caught on to that tone people get in their voice when they're REAL bored. or just REAL ready to say goodnight and leave. i caught some stupid thoughts right before they flew out of my mouth which was, of course, a good thing. i'm just not sure how i feel about friendship lately. this whole trip to southern california was SO good. i really had a great time and learned a lot about what i need out of relationships. got a taste of generosity that weekend. a HUGE taste of it....total selflessness from the friends we stayed with, and it just made me think of stuff at home. my daily routines in utah and all the friends i have out here. all the friends i think i have. the people i can really rely on, the ones i can really talk to without second-guessing a damn thing on my mind. and tonight just seemed to tie in with all this. all this thought about who my friends are. how they make me feel. i mean, i think that's the real way of knowing. i mean, shit if hanging out with a friend means i'm emotionally worn afterward, i won't be jumping at the chance to do that any time soon. and so much more. guilt trips from friends, bleh, bleh. who needs that shit? and yeah! i'm interested in what's going on in your life, but every time i try to tell you something about mine....why don't you give a damn? why do you move the conversation forward? because you're not into what i'm talking about? that's why i LIMIT my "boring" time to no more that 2 minutes. so you have a chance to talk about something you're into. but then you go on and on and forget that i'm there for anything other than to hear your woes. to hear your plans. and it wouldn't be so bad if you'd just see me as a person with plans. a person with a future that entails more than just hearing everyone else out. and we don't even have to talk serious! shit, just sit with me! enjoy having me around! i'm not that great of a friend and i've realized this weekend that i really want to be. i really want to please people. but i also just want to have fun! curtains, stamps, scrapbooking....NOT NOT fun for me! sorry, but i'm just not ready for all that. hmm I want to play music with my band, go dancing with jen, go on a roadtrip with joel, hell ANYONE. i'm really not knowing how to describe what's on my mind. k, i don't feel good enough for some friends. don't fit into the club. my unpredictability means i'm more expendable. uh, does that make sense? oh well, this feels hopeless tonight. i'm getting too tired to think straight. boy do i want to erase this entry. so nonsensical. but that'd be cheating.